The Carousel
by catkid3
Summary: Sometimes it's as though the cycle will never end. They come and they go; round and round it goes, like a carousel. One-shot.


A/N: Bit of a sad one-shot, but I hope that's okay.

I hear him weeping sometimes. It's always late at night, when the engines are silent and the walls cease their listening. He heaves and gasps, whispering names of people I'll never know. Sometimes he reminisces about this boy named Adric; some nights it's a woman named Sarah Jane. Once or twice I heard him mention a Susan.

The morning after he always looks terrible. Red swollen eyes contrast against his crinkled purple suit and scruffy bow tie. I see through the smile, the witty jokes, the adventure that he had planned for the day. His heart was breaking, although he never admits it. While others see a man child in a bowtie, I see a broken old man with unimaginable loneliness and pain.

It'd been another night of suffering when we arose this morning. One look at him told me he'd had zero sleep. And while a smile formed, I still saw the dark circles around his eyes.

He's about to tell me to pick a destination when I interrupt him. "Doctor, we need to talk."

"I did say you get to pick where we go this time, Clara. Or do you want me to give suggestions?" He begins to dash around the console, pulling levers and pretending to fiddle. "Ooh! I know! Let's go to Barcelona! Lovely place, although I never liked the mutant crabs-"

I put a firm hand on his shoulder. "I meant about you. Your health. Your hearts," My fingers rest on both sides of his chest. "You can't keep going like this, Doctor. You're sick-"

"Sick? I'm perfectly fit! All systems go!" He jogs on the spot in an exaggerated fashion.

I sigh. "Tell me about them."

"About who?"

"Those people you whisper about at night."

He scoffs. "Rubbish, that's just the TARDIS messing with you. She likes to do that sometimes."

"Adric," I whisper. "Tegan. Sarah. Jo. Peri. Barbara. Who were they, Doctor?"

"No idea what you're talking about-"

"Rose."

The Doctor slams his hand on the console. Spots of blood appear between his fingers. "I am the one who decides when I want to discuss this topic, and you do not have the power to make me."

My hope falls. He's hardening his heart towards the problem.

"Well, go on then!" He shouts. Tears begin to leak from his eyes, as he thrusts his face towards mine. "Make me! MAKE ME TALK!"

I turn away and begin to head for the door. My hand is about to open it when a faint whisper reaches my ears.

"Don't go."

I'm bewildered. "What did you say?"

He's shaking slightly. "..Clara, please, don't go, don't-"

"Why?" I move towards him. "..What happened?"

"Every time," he sobs. "They come and they go. Sometimes they die and I'm responsible for it."

In horror I watch as the Doctor, this millennia-old alien, drop to the floor in tears. His bow tie is already soaked with them. "..I bear the blood of so many, Clara. P-Peri died. Adric died. Rose is stuck in another damned dimension. Barbara is dead. Ian is dead. Sarah Jane is dead."

The Doctor forces his eyes to gaze into mine. "I don't know what's happened to Susan. She's my granddaughter. P-Probably died in the Time War.."

"But you can't keep repressing them forever," I say gently. "You have to let go."

He stands up furiously and begins to pace. " Clara, I'm almost two thousand years old. If I haven't been able to let go before, what says I'll ever be able to?"

I grasp his hand, pulling him back to me. "I can help you."

A smirk crosses his face. "Since when were you a counsellor? I'll take my chances, thanks. Now, weren't we going to Barce-" He trails off, noticing my solemn expression. "What?"

"Tell me about them. What they liked. Where they were from. Were any aliens?"

The Doctor leans against the TARDIS console, the gravity of his dilemma obvious in his tired eyes. "Susan was..kind. Innocent. Caring. Everything I could've asked for in a granddaughter. And then she had to go and fall in love and I left her…" His body began to shake, tears landing on his suit jacket.

I place my arm around his shoulders, hugging him tenderly. He obviously hadn't shared his feelings for a long time by the way in which he cries; hesitant at first then the tears fall faster and faster.

It seems we will be there for a while.


End file.
